By UCA News Reporter
For years, Nguyen Son has tried his best to become a good husband and father, working hard to sustain his family while enduring hardship, a common trait in most Vietnamese men.
A small-scale building contractor in Hue, central Vietnam, Son considered emotional restraint an integral part of his life and character.
That belief began to unravel after severe floods swept through central Vietnam last November.
The floods destroyed the assets of Son’s clients, forcing them to abandon half-finished houses and leaving him suddenly unemployed. At the same time, a bird nest farming facility he had invested in collapsed in the deluge, leaving him with a bank debt of 700 million dong (US$27,000).
Son kept the truth from his family.
“Even though I was crushed by debt and joblessness, I tried to appear strong,” said the father of two. “I lied to my wife, telling her I was still working and even taking on new projects.”
Behind the facade, Son became withdrawn, sleepless and irritable. He stopped meeting friends at the local café and spent his days wandering the streets, returning home only in the evening.
Admitting failure to his wife, he said, he felt deeply shameful.
“Many times, I had to hold back tears because I didn’t want to be seen as weak,” Son said.
In December, he was found sitting alone in a park, talking to himself. He was taken to hospital and diagnosed with a mental health disorder.
Psychologists say Son’s experience reflects a wider but largely hidden crisis among Vietnamese men, particularly those raised to believe that silence and endurance define masculinity.
Suppressing financial distress to preserve the image of the “family pillar” is a major trigger of panic attacks and depression among male patients, mental health professionals say. In many Asian societies, the ideal of the “strong man” has long been linked to emotional restraint and suffering in silence.
Psychologists note that from childhood boys are taught that “men don’t cry” and that complaining is a sign of weakness. Over time, these beliefs can develop into toxic masculinity, where emotional suppression is praised as strength and seeking help is seen as failure.
According to the Health Ministry, nearly 15 million people — about 15% of the population are living with one of ten common mental health disorders. Alarmingly, around three million of those affected are young people.
Depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, alcohol addiction and substance abuse are now among the country’s leading public health burdens.
Nguyen Huu Tieu, 82, said such attitudes are deeply rooted in Confucian tradition. Under this worldview, men are expected to be strong, courageous and unyielding.
“In society, men are seen as the pillars of the family,” the farmer told UCA News. “They are expected to do heavy work, maintain ancestor worship and protect the family.”
In a patriarchal system, he admitted, boys are trained not to cry or show emotion because it is considered weakness. Mothers tend to share emotions more openly with daughters, while sons are encouraged to endure hardship quietly.
“When women show emotion, it is considered normal,” Tieu said. “But when men do the same, they are judged as weak.”
Mary Magdalene Phan, a social psychologist in Hue, explained that rigid masculinity often masks deep insecurity.
“Men with strong masculine traits tend to be stubborn and driven by a need to prove themselves,” she said. “Over time, this leads to frustration, emotional exhaustion and damaged relationships.”
Phan noted that men are far less likely than women to acknowledge emotional wounds or seek medical help. Studies show the rate of men seeking treatment for depression is nearly 8% lower than that of women, not because men suffer less, but because they are less likely to recognize or admit their condition.
“This is extremely dangerous,” she warned. “Instead of seeking professional treatment, some men try to cope on their own — often through alcohol.”
That pattern is evident in the case of Phan Xien, 57, a tricycle driver who transports fruit and flowers at Bai Dau market in Hue. Proud of his role as the family breadwinner, he refused to let his wife work outside the home.
Each day, he handed his entire income of about 350,000 dong to his wife, keeping a small amount to drink alone. Over time, alcohol became a habit.
In Oct 2025, his wife suffered a fatal stroke. Two days later, a major flood inundated their home, with water rising halfway up her coffin during the funeral.
“I wanted to cry, but I forced myself not to,” Xien told UCA News.
Since then, he has shown signs of severe depression, wandering the streets all day. When relatives ask where he has been, he replies that he is searching for his wife to bring her home.
Phan said dismantling toxic masculinity requires genuine understanding within families, describing it as a defensive psychological response rooted in fear and insecurity.
“Husbands, wives and children need to work together, each doing their part, to create a warm and supportive family environment,” she said.
Dr. Tran Huu Khang, a mental health specialist at a local hospital, said recovery depends on patience, presence and compassion.
“To help patients change their thinking and behavior, families need to spend time with them, listen to them and allow them to express emotions,” he said. – UCA News
