By Isabella Piro
Marriage is defined as “an indissoluble unity” by the doctrinal Note of the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith (DDF), calling it an “exclusive union and mutual belonging.” Fittingly, the document approved by Pope Leo XIV on Nov 21, the liturgical memorial of the Presentation of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and presented to the press today, Nov 25, bears the title Una caro (one flesh). In Praise of Monogamy.
It explains that only two people can give themselves fully and completely to one another; otherwise, the gift becomes partial and fails to respect the other’s dignity.
Reasons for the document
The text is driven by three main concerns. First, as Cardinal Prefect Víctor Manuel Fernández writes in the introduction, is the current “global context of expanding technological power.” This leads human beings to see themselves as “creatures without limits” and thus distant from the value of exclusive love reserved for one person.
The document also refers to discussions with African bishops regarding polygamy, noting that “in-depth studies of African cultures” contradict the common assumption that monogamous marriage is exceptional there. Finally, it notes the rise in the West of “polyamory,” meaning public forms of non-monogamous unions.
Conjugal unity and the union between Christ and the Church
In this context, the DDF seeks to emphasize the beauty of conjugal unity which, “with the help of grace,” mirrors “the union between Christ and his beloved bride, the Church.” Addressed primarily to bishops, the doctrinal Note is also meant to help young people, engaged couples, and spouses grasp “the richness” of Christian marriage, fostering “calm reflection and sustained deepening” on the topic.
Belonging rooted in free consent
Divided into seven chapters and a conclusion, the text reiterates that monogamy is not a limitation but the possibility of a love that opens to eternity. There are two decisive elements: mutual belonging and conjugal charity.
Mutual belonging, “founded on the free consent” of the spouses, reflects Trinitarian communion and becomes “a strong motivation for the stability of the union.” It is a “belonging of the heart, where only God sees” and where only He may enter “without disturbing the person’s freedom and identity.”
Not violating the other’s freedom
Understood in this way, “the mutual belonging proper to exclusive reciprocal love requires delicate care, a holy fear of violating the other’s freedom, who possesses the same dignity and therefore the same rights.” One who loves knows that “the other cannot be used as a means to solve one’s own frustrations,” and that one’s inner emptiness must never be filled “by exercising power over the other.”
The Note deplores “the many forms of unhealthy desire that lead to explicit or subtle violence, oppression, psychological pressure, control, and ultimately suffocation.” These are “failures of respect and reverence for the dignity of the other.”
Marriage is not possession
By contrast, a healthy “we two” entails “the reciprocity of two freedoms that are never violated but choose each other, always preserving a boundary that must not be crossed.” This occurs when “a person does not lose themselves in the relationship, does not merge with the beloved,” respecting the nature of any healthy love, “which never seeks to absorb the other.”
The Note adds that a couple must be able to “understand and accept” moments of reflection or requests for solitude or autonomy from either spouse. After all, “marriage is not possession,” nor is it “a claim to complete tranquility” or a total liberation from loneliness (for only God can fill the void within a human being). Rather, it is trust and the capacity to face new challenges. At the same time, spouses are urged not to withhold themselves from each other, as “when distance becomes too frequent, the ‘we two’ risks fading away.”
Prayer: A precious means for growing in love
Mutual belonging is also expressed in the spouses’ commitment to helping each other grow as persons. Here, prayer is “a precious means” by which a couple can be sanctified and grow in love. In this way, conjugal charity: “a unifying power” and “a divine gift” sought in prayer and nourished by the sacramental life becomes in marriage “the greatest friendship” between two hearts close to one another, “neighbors,” who love each other and feel “at home” in one another.
Sexuality and fruitfulness
Thanks to the transforming power of charity, sexuality can be understood “in body and soul,” not as a mere impulse or outlet but as “a marvelous gift of God” that orients each person toward self-giving and the good of the other in the fullness of their person. Conjugal charity also expresses itself in fruitfulness, “though this does not mean that every sexual act must explicitly aim at procreation.” Marriage retains its essential character even when it is childless. The Note also affirms the legitimacy of respecting natural periods of infertility.
Social media and the need for a new approach to education
In a “postmodern consumerist individualism” that denies the unitive meaning of sexuality and marriage, how can faithful love be preserved? The answer, the document says, lies in education.
“The universe of social media, where modesty vanishes and symbolic and sexual violence proliferate, shows the urgency of a new pedagogy.” New generations must be prepared to welcome love as a profound human mystery, presenting it not as a mere impulse but as a call to responsibility and “a capacity for hope that involves the whole person.”
Care for the poor: An “antidote” to turning in on onself
The charity of conjugal union is also seen in couples who do not remain confined in their own individualism but engage in shared projects to “do something beautiful for the community and for the world,” since “a person fulfills themselves by entering into relationship with others and with God.”
Otherwise, love deteriorates into selfishness, self-reference, and self-enclosure, an attitude that can be countered, for example, by cultivating a “social sense” within the couple as they work together for the common good. Central to this is attention to the poor, who as Pope Leo XIV says are “a family matter” for Christians, not merely a “social problem.”
Conjugal love as a promise of the infinite
In conclusion, the Note reaffirms that “every authentic marriage is a unity composed of two individuals, requiring a relationship so intimate and totalizing that it cannot be shared with others.” Thus, of the two essential properties of the marital bond, unity and indissolubility, it is unity that grounds indissolubility. Only then can conjugal love become a dynamic reality, called to continual growth and development over time, rooted in a “promise of the infinite.”
From Genesis to the teaching of the Popes
The Note also offers a broad overview of the theme of monogamy: beginning with the Book of Genesis, moving through the Church Fathers and major magisterial documents, and finally reaching twentieth-century philosophers and poets. It deepens the sense of belonging expressed in the phrase “we two.” For, as St Augustine said, “Give me a heart that loves, and it will understand what I say.” – Vatican News
