Catholic Councilors have constantly been asked about this issue of cohabitating before marriage. Why is the Church so against this? it should be a good idea to try it out first before committing to marriage: much like test-driving a car before buying it. Moreover, it is so common these days. How can it be wrong?
Our Part Four of the series “Sex, Gender, Marriage and the Church” held on Mar 12, attempted to answer the above questions. Yes, it sounds logical to try out. But hang-on: statistics seem to suggest a high correlation between the divorce rate and those who cohabit before marriage. Of course, we are not saying all cohabit couples will end in divorce.
Fr Bradley Thomas Elliott OP who counseled hundreds of marrying couples suggested that the high statistics are attributed to the practice of ‘Ethic of limiting commitment’ by cohabitating couples which is contrary to the ‘Ethic of commitment’ that ought to be practiced in marriage. Hence cohabitating cannot be a trial-run for marriage. He gave the following illustration.
Suppose a young man, saw a beautiful girl in a coffee shop almost every day and became interested in her. He told himself that he should walk up to her and introduce himself and if she rejects him, he will just leave. Nothing to lose. He did that and he was pleased that she did not reject him. After a while, he thought it would be nice to go out for lunch together and decided to ask her. If she didn’t like this, well at least he tried and there was nothing to lose. The next day, he went up to her and she responded positively. They enjoyed each other’s company and had a lot of fun.
Again after a while, he thought it would be wonderful to go out more often with her and decided to ask her. If she rejects, it will be fine for he had nothing to lose and could just stay at the level of occasional lunches. Fortunately, she agreed, and they had a great time together and became close friends. After some time, he thought it would be nice if he could see her constantly and for convenience he asked if they could stay together. If she disagrees, at least he tried, and they have nothing to lose. So, they proceed to the next level of courtship-cohabitating. After a while, the girl’s parents got anxious and pushed for marriage. They agreed.
Did you notice the condition in each incremental level of relationship? There is a clause that says, “if it did not work, I will bail. I have nothing to lose.” There is always an existing door, a caveat to the relationship. However, marriage is not another incremental increase in the level of relationship. There is no such clause, ‘if it does not work, I will bail” In Catholic marriage, it is till death do we part. Cohabitating couples practice this type of ‘limiting commitment’, and they bring this into their marriage. According to Fr Bradley, this attitude established during cohabitation greatly affects marriage. For marriage is not another incremental step in one’s relationship. It is permanent.
There are vest differences between Catholic marriages and cohabitation and the church is not encouraging this at all, not because she is old fashion, but she knows her children will miss the sanctity of marriage which is God’s very own master design when He created us male and female.
Our discussion brought us further to highlight the following differences between cohabitation and marriage:
1. Nature of relationship, commitment and vows
Cohabitation – couples share a home, typically engaging in romantic and often sexual relationships without any formal or public commitment or vows, thus is often a temporary arrangement.
Catholic Marriage on the other hand is a sacred, lifelong, indissoluble, covenanted relationship with no caveat, involving exchange of solemn vows in front of the priest and community rooted in faith and God’s grace.
2. Spiritual and religious significance
Catholicism consider cohabitation outside of marriage to be contrary to the teaching of the scriptures since it undermines the sanctity of marriage and its inability to be a witness to God’s love. Conjugal love in marriage demands a total, free, faithful and fruitful giving of oneself to the other which attempts to reflect God’s sacrificial love.
3. Openness to children
Another big distinction is Catholic marriages emphasizes openness to life. Children are gifts to be taken care of, in stable, loving and faith-centred homes. Contraception is discouraged as sexual intimacy is not just for pleasure but also a means to cooperate with God to procreate, to bring another person into this world, to honour and praise Him.
4. Legal and social recognition
Catholic marriages are legally binding with high social recognition. Couples can live without embarrassment. Children are happier not having to deal with legality Cohabitating couples may have disputes as to who should take care of the welfare of their children or how to raise them up.
5. Focus on growth and holiness
Catholic marriages are seen as pathway to holiness. They are called to help each other to grow in faith, virtue and love and to serve each other as Christ serves the Church and died for her. Cohabitating couples are less willing to endure hardship or work through difficulties and conflicts since it is temporary. They want companionship and sexual gratification without responsibility and accountability, for they value independence, freedom, and individualism. These are not virtues that lead to growth and holiness.
In Malaysia, very often couples registered for their marriages first before they have their church wedding for some reasons. Then they live together before the church wedding. Would this be considered wrong in the eyes of the Church? Before we answer that question, let us see what the Sacrament of Matrimony entails.
The Church teaches that a sacramental marriage is essential for a valid sexual union – a marital union for Catholics. Living together will inevitably lead to sexual encounters and any sexual relations before the church wedding is considered a sin. Hence, the civil marriage does not legitimize sexual relations in the eyes of the Catholic Church as it is outside a valid sacramental marriage.
Looking at the above, the Church is not wrong to discourage cohabitation. Mind you, the Church is more than 2,000 years old. There is nothing she has not experienced. Trust her judgement when she says it is always wise to wait till marriage to enjoy the most beautiful gift of love – one’s giving to each other in total, free, faithful and fruitful love.
