By Jacobus E. Lato
Monika Yuni’s happy married life lasted only two years before she discovered her husband was having an affair with another woman.
“I married him in 2008 after finishing college studies. I was 23, and he was six years older. We dreamed of a good married life, but it was short-lived,” Yuni, 41, told UCA News.
After the marriage, Yuni stayed back in Surabaya, Indonesia’s second largest city, and her husband moved to the Island of Kalimantan, more than 500 kilometers away.
“Soon, I discovered he was living with his mistress. I was devastated,” she recalled.
Moreover, he racked up a debt of about US$66,000 but was unable to pay it back. He was sick with diabetes and heart problems, so Yuni paid back the debt.
Then, she filed a marriage annulment case in the Church, which was completed in 2012.
It took months for her to overcome the shock and trauma from the broken marriage. She visited the local parish priest and received counselling for psychological healing.
Yuni is a high school student counsellor and a part-time teacher at a college in Surabaya. She lives alone and spends her spare time engaging with pastoral work in the local parish Church.
She did not remarry and forgave her unfaithful husband.
“I don’t hate him. I even promised to care for him in his old age because I believe his mistress might leave him, and he would return to me. I see it as a test of my sincerity,” she added.
Maria Sumiati (name changed), 76, a Catholic, severed ties with her husband, a retired military officer, in 2000.
They married in 1979 and had two sons before they parted ways through marriage annulment.
Their marriage hit hard rocks after her husband was appointed to a municipal post in Surabaya after his retirement.
“He was in love with his secretary. It was like a slap in my face,” Sumiati recalled.
She made a last-ditch attempt to build a life around her two children, who graduated from a military academy.
But her worst nightmare came during the violent pro-democracy rallies against military dictator Suharto in 1998. Both sons, young soldiers, were killed during the violence.
“I felt like I was dying. There was nowhere to complain. Prayer and advice from two priests strengthened me,” she told UCA News.
Sumiati was diagnosed with a brain tumor in 2002, but she survived after a quick surgery. She credits the miraculous recovery to “God’s help.”
Sumiati took up teaching in a Catholic school and rose to the rank of principal. She did not remarry and has lived with her siblings in Surabaya.
A rising trend
The stories of Yuni and Sumiati are increasingly common in many parts of Indonesia.
The rising trend is straining the Catholic Church’s pastoral service for couples in unhappy marriages as well as clogging up marriage tribunals with an increasing number of cases seeking marriage dissolution, say Church officials.
“Many Catholic couples live an instant lifestyle; they quickly give up or ignore their partners when hopes and dreams go unmet. They no longer see marriage as a process of growing together in unity with their partner and with God,” Father Antonius Padua Dwi Joko, a marriage counsellor, told UCA News.
The priest has been overseeing marriage issues in the Surabaya Diocese since 2003, and since 2016, has been involved with the diocesan marriage tribunal.
He says rising marital problems reflect societal changes in Indonesia.
“People struggle with self-control. Globalized technology creates a different kind of person than those raised in traditional societies. Life has become relentless competition,” he said.
Pressure of fast-paced modern life takes a toll on married life.
“Emotional wounds and unresolved trauma are carried into the household and damage married life. Many couples are easily angered. Workload and fatigue are used as excuses. At home, partners become easy targets, and commitment is reduced to a transactional calculation of profit and loss instead of mutual sacrifice,” said the priest who teaches Philosophy at Widya Mandala Catholic University in Surabaya.
In Surabaya, Catholic marital problems have risen since 2003.
Until 2003, the marriage tribunal used to receive two to three cases per year. By 2016, the number reached 30-40, and the figure is now 50-60 cases, Father Joko noted, admitting that it is a conservative estimate as couples often resort to divorce instead of separation.
Father Amandus Rahadat of the Timika Diocese in Central Papua echoed similar concerns, noting that societal and technological changes are affecting marriages even in remote areas.
“Marriage issues in rural areas are as complex as in cities. Many who divorce leave the Church for years and do not report their cases to the tribunal,” said Father Rahadat, the sole judge of the Timika diocesan tribunal.
Father Stefanus Cahyono, 57, parish priest of St Mary’s Church in Ponorogo of Surabaya Diocese, says couples with marital problems often do not come to consult and seek advice.
“No couples with marital problems consult their problems with me,” he said, noting that heavy workloads and busy schedules, working from morning until evening make it difficult for troubled couples to see their parish priest.
Official government data shows divorce figures in Indonesia have fluctuated in recent years.
In 2022, a total of 516,334 divorce cases were recorded, according to the state-run Central Statistics Agency. The figure fell to 463,654 cases in 2023. The figures were 399,921 and 438,168 in 2024 and 2025, respectively.
The agency report shows that 75-80 percent of divorce petitions were filed by women who cited marital conflict and economic hardship as major drivers.
Inability to find God’s grace in marriage
While economic stress often precipitates divorce, Father Joko argued that financial problems are rarely the root cause.
“Economic issues often expose deeper psychological pressures. Many young couples cannot analyze situations, assess problems, or make informed, objective choices beyond surface appearances,” he said.
The problem lies in the lack of spirituality, the priest noted.
“Many Catholic families do not put faith and prayer at the center of their lives,” he says.
“They don’t realize that bringing problems to prayer allows grace to work and transform them. Many families no longer base daily life on prayer. They seldom pray the family Rosary, and when they do, it is often only in private,” he said.
The priest suggests a change in the Catholic marriage preparation process to present “sacramental demands and lifelong commitment as an expression of faith and offering to God.”
He believes a collaboration among parish priests, counsellors, psychologists, and extended families to create a support network can help couples with life’s pressures and social change.
Psychologist Edy Suhardono welcomes such an approach.
Measures such as improved emotional literacy in schools, better access to mental health services, and economic empowerment programs to strengthen family stability are essential for a better married life.
“Without a strong social and economic foundation, pastoral development alone is not enough,” Edy told UCA News. – UCA News
