Mustard Seed Journeys – Joanne Wong
“Without the Spirit of God, we can do nothing. We are as ships without wind. We are useless.” – C.H. Spurgeon
After several years of avoiding any Catholic Church seminars or conferences, I had a strong prompting to attend the 50th Golden Jubilee of the Catholic Charismatic Renewal in August last year.
I had questioned myself if I should be attending it since I didn’t really know anyone and had just started dipping my toes into being active in church, baby steps and all. But these promptings persisted and so I paid for the conference and decided I would go.
My first time: The fire was lit
Prior to this Catholic Charismatic Renewal Conference, the last time I attended anything “Holy Spirit” related was at the Life in the Spirit Seminar (LSS) that I needed to attend as part of my Confirmation programme – so this was some time ago. I remember standing at the back of Loyola Hall in SFX and seeing some of my classmates being slain in the Spirit as the leaders laid their hands on them.
And gosh I prayed so hard: “Please Holy Spirit don’t come on me and make me get slayed like that. I am scared. Just don’t need to bless me with anything, ok? I don’t need anything. I will be good. I just don’t want any of this.” In my youthful arrogance, I thought I could bargain with the Holy Spirit and that I didn’t need Him. But I did need Him, and He told me so in His own way.
Now as the leaders finally reached me and laid their hands on me (I was still praying to the Holy Spirit to just not do anything to me), I felt a warmth permeate through my body. Like a fire was inside me. And I started to cry – I could not stop. And my hands that were clasped in prayer were forced open and pushed apart. I wanted to stop it – I tried many times, but I could not. So, in the end, there I stood, with my arms stretched wide opened on a transparent cross, as tears streamed down my face.
I stood there for some time, unable to control my tears nor my hands that were still outstretched – seeing my state, I obviously had more prayers come my way and more leaders attending to this strange sight (and gosh my friends were freaked out), but my hands could not be lowered until sometime later after having told the Holy Spirit I was sorry for saying those things. Sorry for being arrogant and afraid. Sorry for telling Him what to do.
It was only then that my tears stopped as suddenly as it had begun, and my hands were able to fall to my sides. It was a very real, very spiritual moment for me even though I had not wanted it. But I felt like I breathed differently, that things were clearer, fresher somehow.
I am two times blessed
“Joanne! Really ah – you never went for any other LSS after so many years’ ah? How can?” Embarrassed as I am to say it, but yes, it can happen. It has happened because post Confirmation and attending some youth ministry session, cell groups and Choice, I decided to put the Holy Spirit on pause mode, I had let that fire slowly fizzle out – only seeking counsel from the Spirit when I needed to discern something.
I had allowed family obligations, work, and the many wants and allures of “life” to get in the way. But if you have read my articles previously, you would know that I had a wake-up call and am on a journey to let go and let God. I am still learning about God, His goodness, His mercy, His Word, and His purpose for me.
Now let me continue to share what happened at the Catholic Charismatic Renewal – in one of the sessions, as Fr Michael Payyapilly was calling on the Holy Spirit to bless us, I felt it again, that resistance for me to be open… and just as if it was yesterday at the LSS, the tears started falling, fast and furiously. And my hands, that were once more clasped in prayer started opening on their own accord, being stretched apart. This time though, as I knelt in that awkward invisible cross like stance, I allowed myself to surrender and experience the beauty of what was happening to me, I welcomed the Holy Spirit in me, to awaken me, to unfurl within me. And it was such a beautiful experience – I marvelled that this could be happening to me again after so many years.
The third sign – He is with me
During the conference, there was also an intercessory session where you could write your petitions and Fr Michael would lift these petitions up. As he stood at the altar, receiving promptings from the Holy Spirit to pray for certain petitions that were offered up, I decided to negotiate with the Holy Spirit.
I said, “Holy Spirit, thank you for awakening me and giving me new eyes to see and for having renewed my spirit. But I just need a sign from you please so that I can truly believe this is all real. Please get Fr Michael to say the name of the person I have placed my petition for while He is at the altar. I just need a sign to know you hear me and that you are with me.”
And well it happened! The name of the person I had placed my petition for, was one of several names that Fr Michael mentioned, and he ended by saying, “He hears you – your prayers will be answered.”
I, of course, had to ask several people if they had heard that name thinking it could have been my own wishful thinking, just wanting to believe something that wasn’t true. But it was confirmed that the name had indeed been mentioned.
And yes, that will be the last time I bargain or ask the Spirit to stop gifting me with His gifts. I am beyond blessed that He sent me a sign almost immediately and I am forever grateful to have experienced these three beautiful moments.
Stop pausing, hit play
Now, what was key for me to realise after the “high” of the conference, was that I needed to let go of my inadequacies and weaknesses. I needed to make peace with my past, let go of my self-doubt and really let the Spirit of God lead me. I needed to embrace and rebuild my life in accordance with His will and be open to the renewal of the Holy Spirit in me.
I was my own prisoner, but by encountering the Holy Spirit, I was set free and made new. I have gained a fresh perspective on things. My priorities have changed as well, and I will share more about that soon. I am by no means perfect, but I am at least on the right path, discerning and being open to opportunities and experiences that He gifts me.
So, as I end this article, I would like to encourage those who have, like me, paused the Holy Spirit, to instead invite Him back into your life. If you were looking for a sign, this is the sign. Stop pausing, hit play.
(Joanne Wong is on a journey towards having faith the size of a mustard seed. She welcomes thoughts and suggestions on how to have a closer walk with God. Email her at joanne.wpm@gmail.com) – Herald Malaysia
